Posts Tagged ‘high expectations’

Sometimes I think people are a little too worried about what they’re getting out of their marriage. Are they fulfilled? Is their spouse meeting their needs? Etcetera. I think some of this is important, being assertive enough to share your feelings, needs, and desires, but I also think it can be the start of a long and messy path to discontent.

Marriage isn’t about what we want, when we want it. Unfortunately, nothing much besides infant-and-toddler-hood is really about what we want, when we want it. If we aren’t happy or getting what we need, it’s not always because our spouse or significant other isn’t fulfilling their part. One person cannot be everything, and though there are probably cases of this, it most often doesn’t work out that way. You need friends, and experiences, and other things in life besides that one person.

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What I think happens <sometimes> is that people get bored with their life, or unhappy with themselves, and what they’ve done or are doing with their life, and then they decide it’s because they married the wrong person. Or, you think you lost yourself to this other person, when really you lost it to your children.

No offense, children. It’s just what you do sometimes, if a parent’s not careful. We love you anyway.

But back to the marriage thing—> You don’t think about each other for long enough that eventually you aren’t getting along very well, maybe you’re even being outright jerks to each other, and then you assume you’re a bad match. But you will always be a bad match if you’re only thinking of yourself and what that one person is doing for you. Everyone will be a bad match, and history will likely repeat itself.

I’m not at all saying marriage should be easy, or that there aren’t some low times in the best of them. As with everything in life, this is how it goes. What I am saying is that you have to look at your life as a whole, and see where other people or things – passions, hobbies, activities – can help you fill it. It’s up to you to be who you want to be, not up to your spouse to help you get there.

We are puzzles, with different pieces that don’t always make sense together, which means it’s unlikely that one person or passion will be able to fill all of our hungry places. It just doesn’t make sense to not branch out and reach for more baskets.

Besides, it’s easier to love when you’re content, and easier to love someone who is content.

**As I wrote this, I kept thinking of posts I’d read over at In Your Corner, particularly, Would You Marry You? And since she’s the professional, you may want to check her out.

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